Words can not describe how it feels to lose a sibling. The only way I can explain it is floating through life in a bubble, waiting for it to be popped so everything can go back to normal. The truth is, it never will go back to normal. There will only be the new normal. The time before my sister passed and the time after. A void in my heart that can never be filled. It's going to be hard to move forward without her, especially this year...
On Feb 29th, the day after my birthday, I traveled to see my sister to have what she thought was a "doggy/sister" date. That morning, the hubs and I had a very important trip to the doctor. It was to see little baby Hart for the first time! (Surprise!) It was the best day of my life seeing that little life growing inside of me. I cried to the ultrasound tech because I just worried we wouldn't see a baby but there the little one was! And then, I cried a little more worrying how I was going to tell my sister. She always had trouble getting pregnant, so I was worried she was going to be mad or get even more angry at her PCOS problems. Hearing another baby victory for someone would only tear her down more. However, telling her first was going to make her feel special so I was excited about that.. She was going to know before my MOM! She was going to love rubbing that in her face ;)
On the way to tell her, I picked up a pizza with Phoebe the pug in tow. My stomach was in knots and I kept thinking of every way I could say it. Should I do it when I first get there? Should I just give her the ultrasound photo? Do I show her some fancy Pinterest Best Aunt Ever t-shirt and say I ordered it for her? How was I going to get through this?! Looking back, that wasn't hard to get through at all..
I arrived to her house and took a deep breath. Everything was going well while we ate and chit chatted. Then, I looked down at Phoebe and her face was swelling up like Goofy! She could hardly breath! Phoebe had gone to the vet to get some vaccines that day and was having an allergic reaction.
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| Puffy face :( |
Thankfully, my sister had Benadryl and after the madness of calling my vet and wondering what emergency vet was open in her town, we had it under control with the meds. That little episode kept my mind off how I was going to tell her until it started to get late. I had to tell her soon! The ultrasound was in my new planner I had raved about to her just a few weeks ago. So, I pulled it out to show her all the bells and whistles. She said "Why do you love this planner so much?" Bingo! That was my "in". I responded "Well, it has an appointment layout which is great because I'm going to have lots of appointments coming up" and I handed her the ultrasound.
She froze and I waited... and waited... She eventually said "What am I looking at?! Is this yours?!" and I said "Yep, you are going to be an aunt (again)!" She flipped out and cried and hugged me so close and said "I am soooooooooooooo happy for you!!!! And I am crying mostly because I am so happy you didn't have to endure all the pain I have over the years. You don't have to worry about that and I'm just so glad!"
That was the last real conversation/interaction I had with my sister. It was a happy memory that I will forever cherish.
Amy went to the ER thinking she had a very bad UTI or kidney stones. After a CT scan, they saw tumors and sent her to the University of Louisville Hospital on March 18th where she stayed for 2 weeks. She had tumors on her ovaries and side. It was a rapid growing tumor that the doctors worked very hard to figure out. All they knew in the beginning was it was a high stage single cell carcinoma that could be treated but they needed more biopsies to get to the origin of it. I stayed during the day, everyday in the family waiting room. I wanted her to know I was there if she needed me. I told her I loved her everyday and I would sit with her a little everyday and watch FRIENDS, Grumpy Old Men and Golden Girls on the little hospital TV and she would wave that heart rate monitor at me like E.T. I had a really bad dream as a child involving E.T so that was her little jab at me everyday.
Things never got better and the day she had to go down for exploratory surgery/ biopsy were the last words she spoke to me. And of all things, she said to me, "Is it Facebook official? Do people know yet?" She was worried about this baby and not about herself. I laughed and teared up a bit and said "Well, no but I'm not worried about that right now, I'm worried about you!" Amy just smiled and said "I've just lost track of what day it is..." closed her eyes and then they wheeled her down to surgery.
Amy would have been so mad at me if I kept putting this news off any longer. She was so proud to know before everyone and was tired of keeping it a secret! So, here is our little announcement for the Facebook/Blog world...
I know my "Best Aunt Ever Guardian Angel" is smiling down thinking "Geez, finally Sis! The world knows!" I can just hear her now :) My little one will never physically meet her Aunt MiMi, but I am so excited to tell him/her all about how wonderful she was.
I MISS YOU SO MUCH IT HURTS SISSY! I don't know how I am going to do this without you by my side. Watch over all of us down here.. we sure struggle everyday but we know you are rocking those angel babies in Heaven and not suffering anymore.
I love you.
Until I see you again...
